Your Child's Birth History



Every child, whether biological or adopted, eventually asks, “Where did I come from?” To help establish themselves in the present and cement their sense of self (and their self-esteem), children need a sense of their history – even if that history isn’t storybook perfect.


The fact that a child is placed for international adoption typically means that there is a “negative” in the child’s pre-placement history such as extreme poverty, the death of biological parents, or abandonment. In many cases, almost nothing is known about a child placed for international adoption other than the fact that the child was abandoned. How you approach any “negative” in your child’s history can help him build a positive (or a not-so-positive) self image.

So just what do you tell your child? It’s simple: Always tell your child the truth. No matter when you introduce the subject of your child’s adoption, always be honest and give as many details as your child asks for (this will vary, depending on your child’s age). You can add more details to your conversations as your child grows up and begins to understand all the implications and nuances of adoption. Warning: If you are not totally honest from the very beginning, your child will lose trust in you when the true story is eventually revealed (and we all know that the truth will come out in the end, if not from you then from someone else). Here are some guidelines for telling your child the story of his adoption:
  • Tell the truth – always, every time.
  • Begin at the beginning, with the names of your child’s birth parents if it is an open adoption. Tell your child when and where he was born and when and where he came to you.
  • Keep the details age appropriate. A child in kindergarten can’t absorb the same level of details that a teenager in high school will need.
  • Emphasize that your child was placed for adoption because his birth parents were not able to parent him at that time. It was not your child’s fault that he was placed for adoption – there was nothing “wrong” or “bad” about him.
  • Every time you discuss adoption with your child, remind him that adoption is forever and that you are his forever family.
Don’t wait until your child asks about his origins. Start a scrapbook as soon as you receive the referral for your child. Include photos, copies of reports from adoption agencies and – most importantly – include your thoughts and emotions. Knowing that you specifically wanted this particular child will help him build a bridge over any rocky start he may have had in life.

This brings us to the birthparent issue. Yes, birthparents are just as relevant in international adoption as in domestic adoption. Surprise!

No, you don’t have to worry about losing custody of your internationally adopted child to his birthparents. However, you do need to acknowledge and address the fact that your child has (or had, in the case of orphans) biological parents. Some countries open to international adoption keep very meticulous records about the birthparents – some even have medical histories on members of the extended biological family. You may have details about illnesses that may run in the family (heart disease or high blood pressure for example), and your internationally adopted child may also have the opportunity to search for – and find – his birthfamily. In other countries, however, the majority of children placed for international adoption are foundlings and thus no information is available about the birthparents. Your attitude about discussing your child’s birthparents may influence your choice of country.


Additional Resources:

Credits: Excerpted from "International Adoption Guidebook," Mary M. Strickert, © 2004